Episode List
Episode 1
Cast: Ben, Matt
Number of Panels: 4
Size: 400 pixels by 150 pixels
Color or B/W: B/W
Script: Matt: Hey Ben. How's it going? Ben: YAA!
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
Matt is wearing an E.T. Lives T-Shirt
Kenny G does not appear in this strip
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Episode 2
Cast: Ben, Matt, Pat, Noah
Number of Panels: 8
Size: 600 pixels by 300 pixels
Color or B/W: B/W
Script: Ben: Sniff, sniff . . . NOAH! Ben: Sniff, sniff . . . PAT! Ben: Sniff, sniff . . . MATT! Matt: Shut up Ben, I did NOT fart! Ben: YAA!
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you happen to be legally blind):
The whole episode, except for the last panel, is in the dark
Matt is wearing grey pajamas
Kenny G does not appear in this strip
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Episode 3
Cast: Ben, Matt, Noah
Number of Panels: 8
Size: 600 pixels by 300 pixels
Color or B/W: B/W
Script: Pal: Okay, Johnny B. Goode on four. All: FOUR! Atomic Explosion: Boom Ben: Aw, Wes Si! That was awesome! Matt: Shut up ben, you shouldn't have used the distortion box. Ben: YAA!
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you were being attacked by godzilla at the time):
The drummer pal is wearing a smiley face T-Shirt
There is a G on the bass drum
Kenny G does not appear in this strip
Note:Due to the enourmous amount of mail I have recieved on this subject, here are the particular instruments that Ben, Matt, and pal use:)
Pal: DW 5-piece drum set, ProMark Mellenium II drum sticks
Matt: Fernandes 4-string bass, Crate Amplifier
Ben: Alembic Orion guitar, Fender Amplifier, Boss Danelectro and DOD distortion boxes.)
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Episode 4
Cast: Ben, Matt, Gramma
Number of Panels: 8
Size: 600 pixels by 300 pixels
Color or B/W: Color
Script: Ben: We're here! Gramma: Noo! No one invited you! Gramma: In here are my valuables. Valuable: Crash. Matt: Wachoo! Wow, that was a juicy one. Gramma: Arg. Valuable: Crash. Matt: Gramma! Ben pushed his button! Gramma: Dammit! Ben: YAA! Gramma: Dammit, not again, I just cleaned the rugs. Ben: Ahh.
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
"Christmas" is spelled incorrectly in the title panel
Ben screams "YAA" in christmas colors
Kenny G does not appear in this strip
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Episode 5
Cast: Ben, Matt, Pat
Number of Panels: 15
Size: 765 pixels by 1463 pixels
Color or B/W: mostly B/W, colored "YAA"
Script: Ben: 64 refers to the number of kilohertz. Pat: Sweet. Pat: On the arcade version, I got to the city level. It's sweet. Pat: On the city level, you get a sweet new board. Pat: On the city level, you can steal people's cars. Heh heh. Sweet. Pat: Dude, I'm telling you, the city level is so sweet. Pat: I'm gettin' a sandwich. Ben: YAA! Axe: Slice. Ben: Uuurgh. Sound: Thump. Pat: Sweet.
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
Kenny G does not appear in this strip
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Episode 6
Cast: Ben, Matt, Mom, Priest
Number of Panels: 12
Size: 400 pixels by 150 pixels
Color or B/W: B/W
Deleted scenes: (deleted lines underlined)
Panel 1: Mom: Run children! Quick! Pray! Or Jesus will give you a spanking!
Panel 3: Preacher: Amen. Ben: Psst. Have you ever noticed they always use the same punchline?
Script: Preacher: And the lord God descended from the heavens and smote the hell out of some heathens. Preacher: Amen. Preacher: And lo! Unto them was bestowed ... Matt: Sit down, Ben. Preacher: Who begat Jedchuzznizzach. Matt: Ben! No! Rock: Thwak. Ben: Eat that, bee-yotch! Long pause: ... Preacher #2: And slew they the goats. Salvation! Ben, Matt: Aww.
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
The sign for the church resembles a McDonald's golden arches, and the sign reads "12 Billion Saved."
Kenny G does not appear in this strip
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Episode 7
Cast: Ben, Matt, Special Guest Star Jon Frakes as Will Riker
Number of Panels: 24
Size: 779 pixels by 2570 pixels
Color or B/W: B/W, Color
Script: Matt: Tum te-tum. Matt: So Ben, are you going to Gregorian Rikerfest 2K2? Ben: What? Matt: Are you going to Gregorian Rikerfest 2K2? Ben: What's that? Matt: Rikerfest is an annual celebration of the birth of actor Jonathan Frakes during which there are festivities including but not limited to an exchange of Riker-related gifts, Riker-shaped cookies, and watching Riker-themed episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Ben: Isn't Frakes' birthday the nineteenth? Matt: Yes. Let me break it down for you. It's like this: 11) Matt: Yo, yo, yo. There's a twelve-day lag between the Gregorian calendar system and our American standard calendar. For example Christmas on the Gregorian calendar falls on January fifth by our calendar, and the date of Jonathan Frakes' birth, August 19th, transposed directly into the Gregorian system, then equates to August 31st by our calendar. Ben: Hold on a minute. Ben: Hey, aren't you--
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
The image of Riker's body in Panel 18 is actually Bruce Lee's body with a uniform drawn over it and Riker's head pasted on.
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Episode 8
Cast: Ben, Matt, pals Pat and Noah
Number of Panels: 16
Size: 1350 pixels by 1065 pixels
Color or B/W: mostly B/W, some Color
Script: Ben: OK, so the dragon uses its nitro breath against ...Matt. Matt: That's no fair! It attacked me twelve times in a row! Ben: YAAA! Matt: Ow! Cut it out! Ben: YAAAA(stab stab stab stab stab stab)AAAAA(stab stab stab stab)AAAA(stab stab stab stab)AAAA(stab stab stab stab)AAA! Ben: OK, so the Dragin uses its nitro breath against ... Matt. Ben's face: Expression of sudden onset of fatal staff infection. Phone: RING. Phone: RI-- Pat: Hello? Pat: Okay. Pat: Time for dinner.
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
The art was drawn quickly and was meant to be replaced, but was not.
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Episode 9
Cast: Ben, Matt, Pat, Noah
Number of Panels: 18
Size: 761 pixels by 1753 pixels
Color or B/W: mostly B/W, some Color
Script: Pat: I sure like Chalupas. Noah: Yes, they sure are good. Ben: YAAA! Axe: Schnk. Axe: Phmlp. Noah: You killed him! Ben pretending to speak as Matt: No, I'm fine. Pat: Then why has he got 'X's over his eyes? Ben pretending to speak as Matt: I'm just squinting. Noah: I saw your mouth move! Pager: Beep beep. Ben: Can I borrow someone's phone? Noah: Sure. Ben: Thanks. Ben: What! What? Fine. Ben: Well, I'll catch you losers later. Noah: So, who wants to make a Run for the Border?
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
Everyone is pretty much identical except for Ben who sports a "B" on his shirt.
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Episode 10
Cast: Ben, Matt, baby
Number of Panels: 16
Size: 761 pixels by 1753 pixels
Color or B/W: mostly B/W, some Color
Script: Ben: Rock-a-bye baby Ben: On the treetop Ben: When the wind blows Ben: The cradle will rock Ben: When the bough breaks Ben: The cradle will fall Matt: Hey Ben, where'd you get a-- Ben: Ha ha. Mat killed a baby. Matt: I did not, Ben! You threw it! Ben: Remember that Jet Li movie ... Matt: Don't change the subject. Ben: I'm just trying to get to the punchline. Matt: Of you killing a baby? Ben: You killed the baby. I just got the assist. Matt: Well? Ben: Cradle 2 the Grave.
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
Nothing.
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Episode 11
Cast: Ben, Matt, Pat, Noah
Number of Panels: 3
Size: 766 pixels by 293 pixels
Color or B/W: B/W
Script: Ben: Hot dog! Pat: Remember Ben and Matt? Noah: Look! Li'l Kim! TV: Buy Old Navy products. Pat: Sweet!
Stuff You Might Have Missed (if you are blind stupid or both):
Ben is getting married.
Matt is the best man.
Pat and Noah were not invited.
Character Bios
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Ben
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Age: 13
Height: 5' 5" (1.76 meters)
Weight: 113 lbs (70 kilograms)
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Favorite Ninja Turtle: Raphael
Favorite Band:: Iron Drool Suit
Least Favorite "Band": The Spice Girls
Favorite Saying: YAA!
Weapon of Choice: His Mom's Battle Axe
Favorite Kenny G Album: None.
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Matt
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Age: 12
Height: 5' 6" (1.77 meters)
Weight: 127 lbs (73 kilograms)
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Favorite Ninja Turtle: Donatello
Favorite Band: Iron Drool Suit
Least Favorite "Band": Kenny G
Favorite Saying: It takes a strong, good-looking man to be killed by Ben going Yaa!
Weapon of Choice: Post-Humous Luck
Favorite Kenny G Album: None.
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Noah
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Appears in: 2, 3, 5, 8, 9
Age: 10
Height: 4' 8" (1.33 meters)
Weight: 53 lbs (12 kilograms)
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Green
Favorite Ninja Turtle: Botticelli
Favorite Band: Iron Drool Suit
Least Favorite "Band": Hanson
Favorite Saying: Hanson sucks
Weapon of Choice: A well timed stupid remark
Favorite Kenny G Album: Who?
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Pat
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Appears in: 2, 5, 8, 9
Age: 16
Height: 6' 1" (1.95 meters)
Weight: 135 lbs (76 kilograms)
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Hazel
Favorite Ninja Turtle: Disco Ninja Turtles! New from CHAOS CORP. toy manufacturing dept.
Favorite Band: Iron Drool Suit (noticing a pattern?)
Least Favorite "Band": The Beach Boys, The Eagles, Hanson, Kenny G, Warren G, Backstreet Boys, NSync, Puff Daddy, Leann Rimes, Sugar Ray, The Spice Girls, etc.
Favorite Saying: Buy "Disco Ninja Turtles" from CHAOS CORP.
Weapon of Choice: A can of Easy Cheese
Favorite Kenny G Album: All of them that Mr. G was injured in the making of.
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Gramma
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Appears in: 4
Age: old
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Hair: Grey
Eyes: Unknown
Favorite saying: Angry exclamations
Least Favorite Persons: Ben, Matt
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Preacher
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Appears in: 6
Likes: Organized religion, funny hats
Dislikes: Atheism, Ben, getting killed
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Narrator
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Appears in: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8
True Identity: Bob Costas
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Jon Frakes/Will Riker
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Appears in: 7
Rank and Position: Commander of the U.S.S. Enterprise; director of "Clockstoppers"
Kills: Matt, presumably Ben
Date of Birth: August 19th
Gregorian Date of Birth: August 31st
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Kenny G
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Appears in:
Age: Unknown, probably like a million or something
Height: 5" (.06 meters)(on TV)
Weight: 32113 lbs (7000 kilograms)(An educated guess)
Hair: Big, curly, dumb
Eyes: Big, curly, dumb
Favorite Ninja Turtle: Michalangelo
Favorite Band: Kenny G
Least Favorite "Band": Iron Drool Suit
Favorite Saying: Boy am I ever cool.
Weapon of Choice: Tenor Oboe
Favorite Kenny G Album: All.
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Glossary
Ben: (noun) A humanoid creature, averaging 1.76 meters in height, prone to unreasonable bouts of fury, which are characterized by the tell-tale Going Yaa!
Matt: (noun) Another humanoid creature, averaging 1.77 meters in height, prone to being subjected to unreasonable bouts of fury, which are characterized by the tell-tale Getting Yaaed At.
Kenny G: (noun) A semi-humanoid creature, unknown height, which is prone to not being in any episodes of "The Zany Adventures of Ben and Matt."
Go Yaa!: (verb) A sudden transformation from a peaceful, benevolent creature or object to a war-like, malevolent one. This process takes approximately 0.325772 seconds to complete, in its entirety. Often, during the process, the creature will go "YAA!" and kill someone.
Going Yaa!: (adjective) The action of going through the tranformation.
Rikerfest: (noun) An annual celebration of the birth of Actor Jonathan Frakes during which there are festivities including but nit limited to an exchange of Riker-related gifts, Riker-shaped cookies and watching Riker-themed episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
T-Shirt: (noun) An article of body covering sometimes called "Clothing." Often they will have the words "Hard Rock Cafe: Boise" written on them.
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